Aunty Strange Brews Agony Column: If you've got and problem, and don't know where to turn, Auntie Strange Brew can help.
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Friday, 22 March 2019

Aunty Strange Brews Agony Column

Auty Strange Brew Agony Aunt

Ask Aunty Strange Brew

When there's something strange in your neighbourhood, or you're struggling with great power and responsibility, problems with the affairs of the heart? Or just cocked-up your latest spell. Ask Aunty Strange Brew.

(All correspondence will not be treated in the strictest confidence, but posted on the internet and social networks to be laughed at and ridiculed. I may even write a book about all your pathetic failures.)

Leading Lady Problems

Dear Aunty Strange Brew,

My name is Carl Denham, and I'm a famous animal filmmaker. Recently I came upon a map with a mysterious uncharted island that is inhabited by a legendary creature known as Kong to the islanders.

After charting a ship, called the Venture and finding a suitable actress - Ann Darrow, we set off for the mysterious island. When we finally arrived, the natives snuck aboard ship and captured my leading lady and have given her to Kong as a human sacrifice.

So, my question is - should I return to New York and try to find another actress for my leading lady and hope the natives of Skull Island don't offer her as a sacrifice? Or should I attempt to rescue Ann Darrow from Kong and capture the monstrous creature and take it back to New York with me ( I can see the headlines now 'King Kong - 8th Wonder of the World')?

Yours indecisively Carl Denham.

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My Dearest Carl.

Trust you to be a monkey's uncle!

Really...capture Kong? Put him on the stage? What are you thinking about? I have met Kong and seen his act.. and it ain't all that! I know.. He's a sweet creature... but his tap routine leaves a lot to be desired and that 'chest thumping' can only capture an audience for a while.

Leave him be... building his hopes up would be a disaster (buildings in general also!).. the world is a hard place for aspiring stars..... and Kong is just too gentle and fragile for it. And his head is too easily turned by a pretty blonde...

Leave the girl to the natives... she ain't all that either... save us all that wailing later. They are a friendly enough bunch when you get to know them....and make the right sacrifices. They were darlings when I holidayed on Skull Island as a child (yes...I was once) they do a wonderful dish of buttered fingers if I remember correctly?

So really Carl...can I suggest you leave our dark and handsome Kong to relax as King of The Jungle..and enjoy his dizzy companion!

If I may suggest a better 'star' just waiting to be discovered.. who would delight and terrify your audiences... He is a rather tall and muscular male... a great swimmer and has a roar to make a girls knees tremble. He's on my books actually and looking for a break into show business. Goes by the stage name of Godzilla. I'll send you his details as long as you remember my agents fee!

Looking forward to hearing from you..should you escape from Skull Island... and with all your fingers intact...

Tat ta My Sweet.

Aunty Strange Brew
Agent to the Stars of Screen and Horror.

Dolly Problems

Dear Aunty Strange Brew

As Yules is almost upon us I have looking to buy something 'special' as a gift for one of my coven members. She is an avid collector of poppets and dolls... and I have stumbled across the most unusual rag doll in an antique shop. I though initially she looked quite cute, and could be used someway for sympathetic magic... but have started to feel quite suspicious about it now.

There has been a lot of strange incidences in the house since I bought her... from a very eager antiques dealer who virtually gave the doll to me it was cheap!
Our lovely familiar has taken to hissing and spitting whenever she walks past the shelf where I have sat the doll.. and I have had a strange sense of forboding.
Things are being misplaced and moved.... and whenever we try and watch a tv show the set plays up!

Now I am used to matters of the strange and uncanny... but I am doubting whether my colleague would want to add this doll to her collection as it seems so malevolent.

What should I do Aunty Strange Brew?
Yours in state of dollusion
Goody Evans.

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My Dear Goody Evans

Aren't you a just overthinking this my lovely?
It's obvious your delightful doll would make a gorgeously grim Voodoo Doll for someone... sounds like a perfect gift to me!

I too have many weird and wonderful dolls... some even look like shrunken people bless them.... (a tribe I know in New Guinea does a fantastic range of 'Enemy dolls' that you wear as delightful amulets!)

But if you feel that your fellow witch is a bit too inexperienced to control the dolly... you can always send her to me. I supplied those beautiful dolls and weird Egg man to that Children's show PlaySchool many years ago.... and they did very well indeed.

So I was thinking about the big screen for your rag dolly? I have contacts in the business and I think it would be great success. People love spooky doll stories....or ventriloquists dolls! Magic Indeed!

So you see my dear Goody Twoshoes... it's a win double situation... That dolly is a goldmine! (ok ok...She does get a tad spiteful at times.. but hey.. that's showbusiness)

Tis the Season for lots of Folly after all...
Ya daft Ho Ho Ho

Let me know what you decide.
your everlasting
Aunty S.B xxx

Aunty Strange Brews Agony Column Comments And Ratings

Current Rating 3.67/5 stars
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Comments

so that is where Humpty came from. Funny as ever.

Posted by: wychiewoman on 22/12/2014 14:14:00

 

Briliant as usual....

Posted by: Ryewolf on 22/12/2014 19:34:00

 

Fabulous as ever!! thank you aunty strange for such insightful replies:-)

Posted by: taranova on 17/01/2015 20:00:00

 

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